Chia... isn't that a pet?

Good evening best friends of mine...

This marks the 11th day of my 24 Day Challenge... Herbal Cleanse Phase complete :) And as some of you already know my scale decided to choose yesterday to spaz out on me... so before that occurred I was down a whole 14.5 pounds... Ridiculous, right?? I mean I'm feelin' pretty special about that. Advocare Herbal Cleanse Phase is the new love of my life... I'll down that fiber drink anytime... maybe...

***A very good friend of mine started the diet YESTERDAY and was down 4 pounds this morning!!!!! A huge shout out to her and her giant step toward the new and better us :)***

So I'm in this special top secret group on Facebook ... a friend of mine created it... and it's called "Strength in Numbers" (which I think is a pretty rockin' name by the way) and I love it. I don't even know half the people in the group but I'm stoked about it's purpose. Its a group of girls that are striving to become healthy and we encourage and support one another, we share recipes, we share ideas, we talk about our struggles and how we are coping day by day. I really enjoy it and I think maybe I post too much on it... but what can I say - I love it. If you'd like to be included in that group just shoot me a FB message or comment on here and I will send you and invite. Females only please and only people that are ready to support and be supported... or I'll kick you in the butt. 

Today I wanted to mention a little teentsy seed I found out about... CHIA SEEDS... they are a concentrated food containing healthy omega-3 fatty acids, carbohydrates, protein, fiber, antixidants and calcium. They are an unprocessed, whole-grain food that can be absorbed by the body as seeds (unlike flaxseeds). One ounce (2 TBSP) contines 139 calories, 4 grams of protein, 9 grams of fat, 12 grams of carbohydrates and 11 grams of fiber, PLUS vitamins and minerals!!!!! What they also do...

1. Help weight loss. Chia seeds are popular for weight loss. They reduce food cravings by preventing some of the food that you eat from getting absorbed into your system. This blockage of calorie absorption makes them a great diet helper.
2. Feel fuller faster: They can also help your diet by making you feel full. This is because they absorb 10 times their weight in water, forming a bulky gel.
3. Hydration for athletes: They are also great for athletes because the "chia gel" can hydrate the body.
4. Reduce your blood pressure: There's evidence to suggest they can reduce blood pressure.
5. Omega-3: They are the richest plant source of Omega-3 (the vital fats that protect againstinflammation—such as arthritis—and heart disease). In fact, they contain more Omega-3 than salmon!
6. Benefits for diabetes: Because chia seeds slow down how fast our bodies convert carbohydrates into simple sugars, studies indicate they can control blood sugar. This leads scientists to believe chia seeds may have great benefits for diabetics.
7. They are easier to digest than flax seeds, and don't need to be ground up.

What can you do with these you ask... well here... put them in an energy bar like I did...

Energy Bars: 130 calories per bar

Ingredients 1 cup quick-cook oats, uncooked (I used rolled oats)

1/3 cup dried tart cherries/or other dried fruit

1/2 cup all-natural peanut butter

3 tbsp honey 

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 teaspoon Chia seeds

And if you want to add a few chocolate chips..you can too. It won't up the calories but by about 7 or so calories per bar! Directions Mix the ingredients together in a bowl. Spread the mixture in a pan and refrigerate for 2 hours.

Energy Bars: 130 calories per bar

Now... onto Max Phase Day 2

Bye-Bye Bloaterson McFatty

Good evening, my friends...
So last time I wrote I had just ended my FIRST day on the Advocare 24 Day Challenge and NOW today marks the end of my 7th day on the challenge - which means I am still in the "herbal cleanse phase". I know you have all been waiting with baited breath for my results and I am more than pleased to announce that as of this morning I have lost

11.5 POUNDS

What the what!?! .... yes, you heard me right folks 11.5 pounds in 6 days. I am literally on cloud 9 and for me the BEST part of the whole thing is I feel absolutely amazing! You wanna know why? (1) I'm not hungry... I mean yes I technically get "hungry" but it's always right when it's time for me to eat a meal or a snack anyways so that doesn't really count as what us fatties know as HUNGRY... because I've been there done that and it ain't fun. (2) Another fun and amazing fact - I'm not craving ANYTHING... this is nothing short of a miracle for me. As my Bloaterson McFatty other self I craved things like cupcakes from GiGi's and big, juicy hamburgers from Five Guys and hot off the press Krispie Kreme Doughnuts... yet now, I am more than relieved to tell you that since I have started this Challenge I have not craved one single thing. That's what's up. (3) I have energy... like SPARKaling energy. Like I ache to get up and do something like work on that To-Do list that's been staring at me for a couple years now or wash my car in the 100 degree heat... I mean that's saying something. So what, yeah it's from the Advocare Spark drink that is now my nectar of life...the point is that I HAVE ENERGY. It roars through my veins and it's healthy and it makes me feel like I don't weigh as much as a Hippopotamus. Now say it with me in the voice of Jim Carey... "it's goooood" (ps- it doesn't work unless you say it just like he did in Bruce Almighty... try it) (4) I am able to say no to things that I would have never been able to turn down before. I don't cheat, it's not worth it and I honestly have no desire to do so. Say no to those M&M's your boss left you on the staff room table... it's just NOT worth it... PS- did you know you have to walk the entire length of a football field to burn of 1 single M&M... I bet you'll think about saying no next time too ;). (5) I am starting to feel good about myself again... that alone makes me want to cry tears of joy. I mean looking in the mirror you can't tell I've lost 11.5 pounds (yes... I am THAT fat) and I know people around me are like really, you didn't loose that much weight... but I can feel it. I can feel it when I bend over to tie my shoe and I don't have to hold my breath. I can feel it when I play on the floor with my son. I can feel it when I look in the mirror and tell myself that today I am making healthy choices and today the food didn't win, today I am stronger than my excuses. Advocare 24 Day Challenge - it's legit folks... and no I don't sell it but I love it and I will forever be thankful that it helped me take that first step to get past Bloaterson McFatty.
Thanks for reading and for being my cheerleader!

My WHY

Hello my dear readers...
I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you taking a moment to read the ramblings that go on inside my head. I know it is possibly just a way for you to pass the time while you sit in that crowded waiting room or to help 5 minutes pass a little more quickly at work... but to me it means the world that you would take the time to read this.
Okay - lets not get emotional here - I have two things on the agenda today: Advocare & Anxiety.
(1) Advocare. Today was my FIRST day on the 24 Day Challenge. It had it's ups and it's downs. The down was definitely trying to get down the herbal fiber drink first thing in the morning - when I usually can barely stomach a pop tart - and the up side was the Spark drink - a true gift from God. I am going to see how this 24 Day Challenge goes and do my best to keep you updated. I have GOT to lose this weight. Some of you might not know all the ins and outs of why I have this weight to loose so I was moved to write about it. This may be more than you were wanted to know about me... but I want you to truly understand what this means to me in my life...
(2) Anxiety. I have it. Bad. A big, bad case of the nerves. It has gotten significantly worse in my adult life... several things happened at once and it caused my hormones to revolt. Prior to the birth of my son my life and my son's life were in danger - his birth was 2 month premature and he was born by emergency c-section, he had to remain in the NICU for a month before he was allowed to come home - weighing in at just 5 pounds. He had respiratory problems, we later discovered was due to a milk allergy. He had colic. I was afraid to sleep because he may stop breathing, so I barely slept. I was an emotional basket case and he just would not stop crying - it didn't matter what I did. I literally thought I was going crazy. I remember considering postpartum depression but I "knew" I didn't have that because those women wanted nothing to do with their babies or they wanted to hurt them and I was far from that. I loved Renn more than I ever knew I could love something. I felt like I was failing him as a mother. I felt like God had made a mistake - I wasn't cut out for this motherhood thing and I was severely disappointed in myself. Clint and I were arguing more and more and he was becoming distant, I needed him and I felt alone. I was petrified to take Renn anywhere because he might cry and I wouldn't know how to make him stop and people might know I was a bad mother. I called my mom a lot. I cried even more. Day after day it was just me and Renn and I remember rocking and crying and whispering how sorry I was that God had chosen me as his mother because he deserved better. I was not doing well. After several months of this I found out that Clint was "de-stressing" with alcohol and drugs, because of that he lost his job and because of that we lost the house we had built, the day before closing, which was my one ray of light in the midst of all of this darkness. I fell even more down my tunnel of shame and depression ... I couldn't even hold my family together... I was failing my husband and my son. I didn't want to be around anyone, I was afraid they might see what was really going on. After giving birth to Renn I immediately lost my baby weight - like the next day. I continued to lose weight - I was breast feeding and not really eating because I was so stressed and sleep deprived. However, after a couple of months I started to feed my emotions... and over the next year I proceeded to gain my baby weight back and then some. Needless to say I was the most depressed and anxious I had ever been in my life. I "missed" the first 5 months of Renn's life... I mean I have vague memories but I wasn't able to cherish them like a mother should. Looking back it seems like a dream, not reality. I couldn't trust my husband and I honestly didn't know how much longer he would be my husband. I look back on that time and honestly I have no idea how we all made it out on the other side... intact. Renn is 2 1/2 now and I am JUST now starting to gain power back over my anxiety, I still experience anxiety in groups of people but I think that mostly had to do with my appearance. I am ashamed of the weight I have gained and the way it makes me look and I feel like other people are judging me for that. I'm uncomfortable and sweaty most of the time and I can't move around like I use to. I get embarrassed easily and try too avoid being around people I don't know. Thus the weight loss battle. I WANT to feel better again - I WILL win this battle.Things are falling in to place and except for my weight we have fully recovered from the previous trauma. Clint is sober and the change in him is a 100% miracle - I have never such a dramatic change in a person and I thank God all day long for that. Renn did survive his mother's mental breakdown and I hope that he is as well adjusted, healthy and adorable as I think he is. Looking back I think Renn saved me and I think God knew exactly what he was doing when he chose me to be Renn's mother.
Thanks for reading. God bless.

Book Trauma

You know that moment when you finish a book, look around and realize that everyone is just carrying on with their lives... as though you didn't just experience an emotional trauma at the hands of a book... yeah that just happened to me. I'm not gonna lie - I just stole that from pinterest... but it totally did just happen to me. I am 1000% in love with reading. I completely get caught up in the emotion of it - if you know me at all you know I'm a hardcore empath, which means I have a tendency to feel what others feel - regardless of if the person is real or not. So me reading a book = me feeling like I am that person until "the end". So my book just ended with the character sobbing into the carpet, pounding the floor as her heart crumbled to bits... I then realize the next book hasn't even been written yet, so that's what I'm left with. I feel like crying and have this odd ache in my chest - I look up and everything is just going along it's merry little way and I'm in this confused haze as to why I don't quite know what to do next. It can't end like that, I can't be left in this emotional purgatory!?! WHAT THE HECK! Also known as a "cliff hanger" - people just put warnings on books... **WARNING: This book will not wrap everything up by the last line, in fact it will do the opposite. You will have more questions and be more confused than you were entering the 2nd book and your favorite character will be lost and alone and SOBBING her eyes out. PS - I don't have the next book written yet, nope not even a date in mind as to when it will be done. But thanks for reading it anyways.** So since I'm left wanting I will feed my addiction by getting started on another book...
On to other subjects... maybe something like what this blog is actually SUPPOSE to be about... losing weight. Obviously, if you've seen me lately you know I haven't exactly been successful. But here I am attempting again. I've been eating "healthier" since I got diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" a few weeks again. I wanted to eat healthier anyways but being on Metformin really gives you a good ole kick in the intestines to help you remember. French Fries are OUT. I mean OUT - they are not worth the utter gastronmical pain I have to endure afterward. Metformin is kind of like a little magical pill - the thought of fried, fatty food makes me shudder because I know what lies ahead. So I've been chowing down on lots of veggies and chicken. Metformin is like my little side kick - it keeps me in line and keeps the consequences of stepping out of line in my head. I haven't really lost weight, well I don't feel like I have, I wouldn't know because my husband decided to hide my scale the night after I had a complete emotional breakdown about my fatness. But I do feel better - well when I'm not running for a bathroom. Next week I'm going to try something new - I'll write about that when it happens but for now I'm going to leave you with my little book rant and a new recipe:
1/4 cup Balsamic Vinegar
2 TBSP Dijon Mustard
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1/2 cup Olive Oil
Put in jar and shake ingredients together - the pour into bag with 3-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into smaller pieces. Allow to marinate overnight or about 6-8 hours, remove from fridge 30 mins prior to cooking. You can grill them or broil them (about 5-6 mins per side).
AMAZING!

Will Power

Sooo I'm at the end of Day 2 and I must say I'm feeling pretty blessed and impressed. I feel blessed because I had about 10 minutes of a caffeine withdrawal headache - which, if you know anything about me you know that is a serious miracle. I was expecting at least two days of a migraine. I feel blessed because I'm not even really craving food or hungry, and that is something I literally pray about on the way to work. I'm impressed with the will power - that I really didn't even know I had. The power to continuously drink water and the power to sit at home alone and not dig in to all the delicious things that I definitely have in my kitchen right now and the power to not cheat, even when no one is looking. I've decided to stick around work or just run a few errands if, and only if, I HAVE to because it keeps me from going and buying something else to eat when I know I don't need it. And just keeping myself busy gives me will power - like scrubbing down my kitchen rather than sitting on the couch watching TV when all that really makes me want to do is eat some chips. Also, WATER ... water gives you will power, did you know about that? Because you totally should. Every time I feel even a tad bit hungry I gulp it... or if I start thinking about how delicious that Butter Cake I'm making on Wednesday will taste... I gulp it. While I'm reading my kindle (which I do a bit more than I should) I just sit there with the straw in my mouth and suck it down while I read... it's like magic - I don't even realize I just downed 16oz. Just do it - it's awesome. A few of you have asked me what I'm doing... so it's not really a master plan or anything... I'm just replacing breakfast and lunch with a Slim Fast shake and eating a real dinner, I also include 2-3 snacks in there somewhere. I stopped drinking soda... completely... and we are never, ever, ever getting back together... like ever. I'm also moving more - I found this short little workout on pinterest with mountain climbers, jumping jacks, push ups and crunches so I've started on that. I most definitely do it alone and sometimes in the dark, I'm not quite ready to publicly slap my fat around. But one day at a time, right? I'll get there. I noticed tonight I didn't get winded going  up the steps to my place - which probably sounds downright ridiculous to you... but it's definitely a fist pumping moment for me. So see... no grand idea just little things I know I can do to help myself out - slow and steady wins the race. Someone pretty smart told me I only need 4 things: (1) Honesty (2) Willingness (3) Open-Mindedness and (4) Patience... which I've found is SO true, for so many things. But I repeat that to myself every morning - my own little mantra... I stare myself down and say "Jillian, be honest with yourself today - don't cheat yourself. You you are more than willing to do this - keep it up and don't give up. Have an open-mind, try new things. And be patient - it won't all fall off in one day - you will get there and it will be epic." So stick that on your post it note and read it :)

Never too late

Well hello strangers... I'm baaaaack. It's about dang time, right?! So I'm readin this nifty little book about a girl that was fat (imagine that) and she reminds me a lot of ...  me. So I was thinking I should definitely get back on track with this weight loss challenge even though technically it's suppose to be over in like 2 months and technically I probably haven't lost any weight since I started this blog. Have you ever just been really bad at something? Well... I'm just really REALLY really bad a losing weight. I'm lazy and I don't want to cook healthy meals and I don't want to move my fat butt around and I definitely don't want to do it in any type of public place. I don't want to count calories and not eat that cupcake from Gigi's that I want so desperately. But ALL OF THAT is exactly why I need to lose weight. I'm a blubbery, lazy mess. I literally hate the way I look - I avoid mirrors and shopping for clothes and generally I feel pretty bad about myself. I've always been a big person but it never use to bother me it was just what I was and there were still days I felt pretty, really pretty. Now... I can't even tell you the last time I felt pretty, or like a glimpse of myself in the mirror didn't make me want to throw up. This is all pretty depressing, right? I know... it's actually pretty embarassing to lay it all out there on public display - all these pent up feelings and emotions I have on a daily basis. I've had a lot going on in my personal life for the last 5 years - it's kind of sucked to be blatently honest. I pushed most of my friends away because I just didn't want anyone to see what was really going on - you know, underneath the smiles and the "I'm fines". I'm sure this has all added to my current condition. So ENOUGH... my new motto for each day "Get rid of it - it doesn't belong here. This is your time. No one else's. If it isn't motivating you, then it doesn't belong around you." The "IT" in get rid of it being all the anger and torment and depression and low self-esteem. And the "IT" in if it isn't motivating being people, places, things, food, etc. I don't really care if I can only walk 5 minutes 4 times a day I will get in my 20 minutes and that's where I will start. If you have a healthy recipe that you would like to share email it to me jillianlorek@gmail.com. I WILL try it - I can't promise I'll love it but I'll try it. If you have a smart phone - and the My Fitness Pal app then add ME - JillianLorek. I can use all the encouragement and accountability that I can get. I can do this.... I have to do this.

Day 41- Tomorrow is for real

Ugh... I feel nasty, bloated... like a marshmallow in a microwave - have you ever seen that? It's ridiculous it's so huge and big and slimy- full of fat, melty, sticky stuff... and you really just don't have any idea what to do with it... I mean it's definitely too big to put on a graham cracker. Well now that you have that glorious image in your head - imagine it with my head on top... and there you have it folks, that is my Sunday. Tomorrow is THE day. Like THE one that I expect will change my life forever. So I have been eating and drinking whatever and whenever I wanted today, you know... in preparation for mega weight loss ;) it's how I roll. I just went to the store and stocked up on all the veggies, meat and beans that you could possibly want in a weeks worth of meals. As the cashier rang up can after can of pinto beans and kidney beans and garbanzo beans (etc) I felt the need to explain myself to him... like why anyone could ever want that many different types of beans in their life. Instead I just smiled and paid. I know he totally thought I was a weirdo ... that probably farts a lot.

I went home and we cleaned out the pantry and the fridge ridding our lives of all those big nasty carbs (that I love oh so much, oh too much) and the chocolate ... oh the perfectly good chocolate. However, there is one last pint of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter with my name ALL over it... it's my one last splurge after my bubble bath soak. Trust me... it's important. Why on earth does my favorite ice cream on the planet have to be the worst ice cream for you, literally... it's the worst... read my blog a few posts back. Anyways - I just wanted you to know that I was serious and prepped and ready for next week.

Motivation... like the general population I need motivation to do things. Sometimes I just have to motivate myself to be happy... not that I'm depressed about anything... but sometimes, when you are like me and you have a MASTER'S DEGREE in something you LOVE but you are still wiping poop off kid's butts and cleaning green snotty boogers off kid's faces for A LIVING you need a little more motivation than the typical person. So I'm making myself a morning motivational CD. Yes, you heard that right. I need something that will kick my butt in gear in the morning, get me moving and especially SMILING. I need to smile more, it's good for my soul. And although when I belt out "Come on baby, make it hurt so good... sometimes love don't feel like it should" it doesn't seem "HAPPY" it totally is - I mean that song ROCKS and it makes me feel happy inside. And that's important.

Tomorrow I begin. I will weigh myself in the morning and I will let you know what the results are next week... wish me luck!!!!!!!