My WHY

Hello my dear readers...
I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you taking a moment to read the ramblings that go on inside my head. I know it is possibly just a way for you to pass the time while you sit in that crowded waiting room or to help 5 minutes pass a little more quickly at work... but to me it means the world that you would take the time to read this.
Okay - lets not get emotional here - I have two things on the agenda today: Advocare & Anxiety.
(1) Advocare. Today was my FIRST day on the 24 Day Challenge. It had it's ups and it's downs. The down was definitely trying to get down the herbal fiber drink first thing in the morning - when I usually can barely stomach a pop tart - and the up side was the Spark drink - a true gift from God. I am going to see how this 24 Day Challenge goes and do my best to keep you updated. I have GOT to lose this weight. Some of you might not know all the ins and outs of why I have this weight to loose so I was moved to write about it. This may be more than you were wanted to know about me... but I want you to truly understand what this means to me in my life...
(2) Anxiety. I have it. Bad. A big, bad case of the nerves. It has gotten significantly worse in my adult life... several things happened at once and it caused my hormones to revolt. Prior to the birth of my son my life and my son's life were in danger - his birth was 2 month premature and he was born by emergency c-section, he had to remain in the NICU for a month before he was allowed to come home - weighing in at just 5 pounds. He had respiratory problems, we later discovered was due to a milk allergy. He had colic. I was afraid to sleep because he may stop breathing, so I barely slept. I was an emotional basket case and he just would not stop crying - it didn't matter what I did. I literally thought I was going crazy. I remember considering postpartum depression but I "knew" I didn't have that because those women wanted nothing to do with their babies or they wanted to hurt them and I was far from that. I loved Renn more than I ever knew I could love something. I felt like I was failing him as a mother. I felt like God had made a mistake - I wasn't cut out for this motherhood thing and I was severely disappointed in myself. Clint and I were arguing more and more and he was becoming distant, I needed him and I felt alone. I was petrified to take Renn anywhere because he might cry and I wouldn't know how to make him stop and people might know I was a bad mother. I called my mom a lot. I cried even more. Day after day it was just me and Renn and I remember rocking and crying and whispering how sorry I was that God had chosen me as his mother because he deserved better. I was not doing well. After several months of this I found out that Clint was "de-stressing" with alcohol and drugs, because of that he lost his job and because of that we lost the house we had built, the day before closing, which was my one ray of light in the midst of all of this darkness. I fell even more down my tunnel of shame and depression ... I couldn't even hold my family together... I was failing my husband and my son. I didn't want to be around anyone, I was afraid they might see what was really going on. After giving birth to Renn I immediately lost my baby weight - like the next day. I continued to lose weight - I was breast feeding and not really eating because I was so stressed and sleep deprived. However, after a couple of months I started to feed my emotions... and over the next year I proceeded to gain my baby weight back and then some. Needless to say I was the most depressed and anxious I had ever been in my life. I "missed" the first 5 months of Renn's life... I mean I have vague memories but I wasn't able to cherish them like a mother should. Looking back it seems like a dream, not reality. I couldn't trust my husband and I honestly didn't know how much longer he would be my husband. I look back on that time and honestly I have no idea how we all made it out on the other side... intact. Renn is 2 1/2 now and I am JUST now starting to gain power back over my anxiety, I still experience anxiety in groups of people but I think that mostly had to do with my appearance. I am ashamed of the weight I have gained and the way it makes me look and I feel like other people are judging me for that. I'm uncomfortable and sweaty most of the time and I can't move around like I use to. I get embarrassed easily and try too avoid being around people I don't know. Thus the weight loss battle. I WANT to feel better again - I WILL win this battle.Things are falling in to place and except for my weight we have fully recovered from the previous trauma. Clint is sober and the change in him is a 100% miracle - I have never such a dramatic change in a person and I thank God all day long for that. Renn did survive his mother's mental breakdown and I hope that he is as well adjusted, healthy and adorable as I think he is. Looking back I think Renn saved me and I think God knew exactly what he was doing when he chose me to be Renn's mother.
Thanks for reading. God bless.