Desperately Seeking...

As many of you know I've struggled with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) for several years now. A few months ago I felt it had escalated to the point that I needed a little extra help - I was prescribed Zoloft by a "newish" primary doctor that hadn't taken much time with me. About 2.5 weeks in I started experiencing all the things they warn you about... including the worst. I’ve never been down there... down that tunnel of depression so deep and dark that you can’t see the light anymore. I’ve never felt so hopeless and helpless and full of heartache in all my life. Until now. Now I can say I’ve been there, I’ve felt that... and it’s no where I want to be ever again. I felt trapped inside myself... I was screaming on the inside, beating the walls of my cage - someone help me, someone see me.... but nothing was coming out, nothing even reached the surface. It’s despair. It’s shame. It’s debilitating. It’s overwhelmingly sad. I was so lost. Lost to the point that I felt like the world would probably be better off without me in it... yes, you read that correctly... I thought that. Looking back to that moment I feel so devastated to realize those thoughts were my own. I feel so very blessed that rational thought stepped in, even for a moment. and it shocked my system enough to realize that wasn’t me... that’s not how I was suppose to feel. Even after that it took me DAYS to speak out... to ask for help... to tell someone. I still remember the look on my husband's face when I casually mentioned it... I didn't really know how else to bring it up so I just said it... out loud and it took everything in me to speak it into existence. Everything inside of me was rattling - I felt like I was actually vibrating with worry and fear and to be honest just straight crazy... yet, on the outside I was a zombie - a deer in headlights - I was a shell. Sometimes, on my worst days... even now I feel that way. The noise in my head is so loud and everything is moving too fast, but I know my body seems slow, unfocused and out of sync. It is really quite hard for me to put into more extensive words what that feel like - I try to explain to my husband, to my mother... but no one can completely understand unless they've been there. I am so very grateful the ones I love the most have NOT had to experience these things... so while it feels like such a lonely existence sometimes it's still a blessing for others not to know. Even now as I write this blog it seems like it happened to a different person... like I'm the author of a book in which my character went through something absolutely shattering... it doesn't seem like it was me. I still remember what it felt like enough to describe it but I feel like I've also separated myself from that time in some way.

However.... HOWEVER... I am doing MUCH better. I was able to find a new primary care physician (thanks to my aunt) she and my husband moved mountains to get me there THAT day. My new doctor referred me to a psychologist/psychiatrist team that have sense become our family's saving grace. They got me in quickly as I was in "crisis mode" and immediately began medicine and therapy. My psychiatrist paid attention... she found the right medicine for me... and that, along with therapy has made truly significant difference in my life. Zero desperate thoughts have entered this head of mine in quite some time and I will be forever grateful for those who surrounded me and lifted me up when I couldn't do it for myself.

I know for awhile there I was a bit vague about what I was going through and that was intentional. I wasn't quite ready for the world to know how deep it went and how completely it rocked me. Now that I'm working hard on myself and have an even bigger support system I wanted to let everyone know that I am doing well... really well.