Don't Panic

AGGGGGHHHHHH!
That's how my weekend has gone. This week has been a swirl of excitement, disappointment, frustration and fun... I feel like my brain has whiplash and I haven't struggled with eating this whole two weeks more than I have today. I want to eat my feelings. I hate that. I'm grateful that I know myself enough to know that's what it is and I can mentally re-focus myself... I just hate the fact that I have to do it every 10 seconds today. I went grocery shopping with my family Saturday morning, I cried in the middle of HT because I couldn't focus-- my head was spinning, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath I didn't know what to do next-- I had my list and my coupons and my husband but I couldn't pull myself together... and as the panic welled up inside of me I realized I was having a panic attack. Why hello, old friend - it's been awhile. For the rest of the day I was panic ridden and emotional and I just couldn't shake it. As night came and I snuggled up to watch Frozen AND Rudoph with my sweet boy that crazy feeling inside settled down a bit -  but I hated that Clint had to be away from us. I probably depend on him way more than I should but he is my steady ground and some days I need him more than anything else... co-dependency?? probably, I could care less today. This morning I woke up with a headache, feeling a bit sick to my stomach and still a little frazzled - deciding to go ahead with my prep day was a good idea... staying on task and putting one foot in front of the other is the way I've managed to stay off anxiety meds... and prayer-- lots and lots of prayer, "Prayer trumps panic every time".
So enough about my hot mess life.... I really wasn't planning on going into all that- short and sweet that's what I was going for today, but apparently my fingers and my brain felt the need to speak to you as if you were my diary.
On to important things...
Today has been the BEST food prep day yet, and I'm thanking God for that since I don't know if I could have handled one more thing. Clint may have found me in the fetal position in the kitchen floor.

MWF
B: Crustless Quiche (http://www.skinnymom.com/2014/01/15/skinny-quiche/)
L: Chicken Caesar Wrap (http://life-in-the-lofthouse.com/crock-pot-chicken-caesar-wraps/)
S: Light Popcorn
S: Southwestern Egg Rolls + Salsa (http://www.emilybites.com/2012/06/southwestern-egg-rolls.html)

TThSa
B: 2 Hardboiled Eggs & Fruit
L: Simple Pasta Sauce (http://www.thegraciouspantry.com/clean-eating-simple-spaghetti-sauce/#_a5y_p=1571933) + Whole Grain Penne + Baked Chicken Nuggets (http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/04/healthy-baked-chicken-nuggets.html)
S: Half a Cucumber + Yogurt Ranch
S: Protein Balls (http://www.youmefit.com/waking-up-early/)

This only took me a few hours to make (not at all like the 6+ hours it's been taking) - this quiche is SUPER easy and I sure hope it's good because I can't wait to play with the recipe. The Chicken Caesar Wrap can be made "healthier" by using Caesar Vinaigrette and using Low-Carb or Multi-Grain Tortillas. I was just in the mood for some pasta so I went with a very simple clean eating sauce and wanting something protein-ie so went for a Chicken Parmesan feel -- can't wait to eat it up! Clint was a little over the Mexican Egg cups so he just asked for plain hardboiled eggs for the other breakfast-- sure made it easy on me :)
Hope you guys are enjoying the recipes -- they've ALL come from Pinterest, follow me on Pinterest if you don't already OR just head over to my "Advo-Tastic" board for these recipe pins.
Feel free to share any and all recipes with me - I always wanna try something new.
Our update, for those of you that may be curious...

(in two weeks)

Clint is down 11.7 pounds

Jillian is down 13.2 pounds

Work it

Wow... It's been awhile, hasn't it?
Well here I am again I guess I'm not much of a blogger since I can't even keep up with it for more than a few months at a time... but I just don't want to waste your time with nothingness... so if I have nothing new and interesting (well, what I consider interesting) to say... I don't blog.
However... these days people seem pretty interested in my weekly prep method especially since my hubs and I are KILLIN IT on the scale... so I figured I would put my weekly recipes here and for those of you that are interested you can read all about it. It's working like a charm for us and I'm about 99% positive it would work for you as well.
A few tips before we begin-- when I decided to do this last week I was super unprepared-- I planned, prepped and shopped all in one day, which was totally ridiculous-- DON'T DO THAT. This week was much more relaxed and I feel 100% better about my cooking/prep day tomorrow. Throughout the week Clint and I discussed some things we'd like to eat and I went on Pinterest and found some recipes. Also, as we added stuff and talked I began a list... mine looks like this but you do whatever floats your boat:

MWF
-Breakfast:
-Lunch:
-Snacks:
-Dinner1:
-Dinner2:
-Dinner3:

TThSa
-Breakfast:
-Lunch:
-Snacks:
-Dinner1:
-Dinner2:
-Dinner3:

Sunday is kind of a "catch all" day where we will eat any leftovers from previous weekly dinners. If there were leftovers I just made a plate (I have a couple tupperware divided plates) and we had enough to get us both through Sunday.

Also, from time to time we have a snack between dinner and bedtime - you should it's super good for you. And I should probably mention that I drink an Advocare Spark prior to breakfast and then water for the rest of the day. Clint drinks mostly water but still gets in is Diet Coke (BAD BOY!) and Coffee.

Another tip - you will need LOTS of tupperware - CLIP those coupons ;) You can print them out and get $1/2 and lots of places have ziplock sales right now. Or Rubbermaid tupperware packs at Target - if you txt OFFERS to 827-438 you can get $5 off a purchase of $25 and use that redcard for an additional 5% off. And there is always the Dollar Tree - 2 packs for $1.

This week for breakfast we are having...
- Mexican Egg Cups http://bethsjourney.com/mexican-egg-muffins/
- Protein Shakes ... basically any recipe you want. Clint enjoys banana, vanilla protein powder, PB2 and water or Unsweetened Almond Milk

This week for lunches we are having...
- Mexican Bowls (we used cut up chicken though) http://jennycollier.com/clean-meal-prep/
- Chicken Chili http://queenbeecoupons.com/crock-pot-slow-cooker-quinoa-chicken-chili-recipe/

This week for snacks we are having...
- Egg Salad w/ Melba Toast or MultiGrain/Quinoa Crackers  http://www.theyummylife.com/Egg_Salad
- Oatmeal + Fruit
- Tuna Cakes w/ sauce (Subbing Greek yogurt for Mayo)
http://www.chroniclesofafoodie.com/2013/06/close-enough-skinny-tuna-cakes.html?m=1
- Sliced Apples + PB dip
http://foodfunlife.blogspot.com/2012/10/peanut-butter-dip.html

This week for dinners we are having...
- Salads with grilled/marinated chicken (2 days)
-Tacos using multigrain tortillas + Vegetables
-Stir fry and vegetable egg rolls
- Marinated chicken + Rice/Bean + Vegetables (2 days)

So my end result looks like this:
MWF
-Breakfast: Mexican Egg Cups
-Lunch: Chicken Quinoa Chili
-Snacks: Egg Salad w/ toast or crackers, Oatmeal + Fruit
-Dinner1: Salad w/ chicken
-Dinner2: Tacos w/ MultiGrain Tortilla + Veggies
-Dinner3: Marinated Chicken + Rice + Veggies

TThSa
-Breakfast: Protein Shake w/ Fruit
-Lunch: Mexican Bowls
-Snacks: Tuna Cakes w/ sauce, Apples + PB dip
-Dinner1: Marinated Chicken + Beans + Veggies
-Dinner2: Salad w/ chicken
-Dinner3: Stir Fry & Egg Rolls

So maybe that will help some of you out that are interested in jumping on the bandwagon. It really isn't that hard or time consuming once you wrap your brain around it all. Pinterest is and always has been my meal planning lifesaver. And if you are willing to take one weekend day and spend a couple hours in the kitchen your life will be HEAVEN. Throw a movie on for the kids or do it during naptime ... you can do it, don't make excuses. This should be tattooed on my forehead - it's the motto that keeps me moving forward always and gets me off my butt - NO EXCUSES.
This morning marks Day 6 of mine and my husbands new journey together -

Clint down 9.9 pounds 

(10 pounds is about an entire pants size!! GO dude!!)

Jillian down 8 pounds

That insane. And significantly awesome. Tomorrow starts exercise so we will see where that takes us - I don't expect to see such high results in the weeks to come but as long as we aren't going up I am a happy girl!

Happiness

So I'm reading this book... it's kinda "high school"-ish and there are some inappropriate things (esp for said high schooler.... who I'm sure this book is written for) but it's gotten a little deep lately and yesterday some of the words really made me stop and think.
I have, and have always had, this issue with worrying about what people think about what I'm doing or how what I'm doing will effect them. While at times this could be considered a good thing - being considerate, thinking of others and all that jazz... for me it's become a negative thing. Worry and guilt consume me... makes me feel bad about myself and my choices... makes me stress... makes me EAT. So in this book the main character is being overrun with guilt about what she did or didn't do concerning a friend of hers and she is talking to good old Grandma about it. Sounds like something I would do at her age (I should probably do it a little more these days and maybe I would be a little wiser). And Grandma said,

"Don't go down that road. 

That's arrogant. 

You think too much of yourself and your effect on people."

.... um ... oh. I've never ever thought about it like that, and while it may not pertain to every situation it was completely eye opening for me. I make mistakes, I make good choices and I do what I do. I try. How people react is on them... what they think or do is their choice. This is life-changing.

You know what else makes me EAT... sadness... depression... and just being plain 'ole cranky. I've been there and done that this last week. Well, not the EAT part... but the overwhelming since of blah part. Typically, as previously discussed, when I'm feeling down I comfort myself with food like pizza and pasta and fries and desserts. So as I was sulking in the dark at naptime good ole Grandma threw more knowledge my way,

"Other things and other people make you feel happy,

 but they won't make you happy. 

That comes from you. 

That comes from your own heart."

Dang. Grandmas are smart. I rely too much on outside sources for my happiness and that has been more than apparent this week. Every day I felt like "what's special about today? nothing" and I allowed myself to wallow in that and be grumpy toward everyone around me. That is completely unacceptable. Thankfully my family loves me enough to let it go and hopefully my co-workers will forgive me. Sometimes you just gotta dig down deep and pull out some happiness. I have so many reasons to be happy... just because they occur every day doesn't mean I should take them for granted. I'm bad at that. I have 100 reasons to smile and 1 or 2 reasons to frown and somehow I manage to focus on the frown... focus on the worry or the let down or the stress and then guess what happens... I binge. So today I'm focusing on the happy. I'm literally talking to myself and reminding myself of all the blessings I have and how I shouldn't "borrow trouble" and worry about the things that I can't change. That in itself is a huge thing to wrap your head around. There is no one single thing I can do to effect the outcome of something major I am worried about, so I might as well take a deep breath and give it to God because it is truly in His hands. Isaiah 58:9... 

Well, I may not have said anything poetic or mind-blowing in today's post but it sure helped me to write it out. Mostly this blog is about figuring out a healthy life style and what I think and feel as I find it... so that's why this post was important to me. In order for me to recover from my addiction to food I have to work myself. I have to dissect my psyche and figure out what drives my addiction. Worry and depression are most definitely things I have to work through in order to maintain a healthy body. What are things that trigger you?

Update! Clint and I are on Day 7 of our 24 Day Challenge. Clint has lost 8.4 and I am down 11.4!!! And we are smashing it :) Clint's shorts are looser and I definitely see a change in my big ole belly. We will take measurements on Day 11 after the Cleanse Phase is complete. 

Thanks for reading. You make me happy.

Addicted

Have you ever met an addict? Well... if not... let me introduce myself. My name is Jillian and I am definitely addicted to food. I know I have some humor in my blogs and for those of you that know me well that may seem sarcastic... I know we joke about how a screaming kid makes me want a cheeseburger... and you've most likely heard me go into detail about my favorite foods at any given point. But this is real and as serious as it gets... sadly, I am addicted to food. Much like a person could be addicted to cocaine or alcohol... I have let food control my life... I believed that it could "comfort" me... I overindulged, knowing it would make me feel bad physically... I let it determine my emotions... and I let my emotions determine what and when and how much I ate. I allowed myself to become "morbidly obese", endangering my life and opening the door for all types of ailments. It took awhile for me to realize that I was in fact addicted to food... I always thought I just love food - to cook it, to share it to eat it... it never crossed my mind that it controlled me.

I looked up the American Society of Addiction Medicine and found this definition:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

The words: reward, motivation, pursuing reward and/or relief by use, inability to consistently abstain, craving, cycles of relapse and remission.... are the first to jump out at me. This is a real definition of addiction and this is really how food and eating effects me. And the scariest part of it all is it could, in all actuality, lead me to a premature death. I am not about to allow something to cause my family pain - watching me suffer or taking me away from them is not an option. I'm no expert on addiction but I have seen it plaguing those I love, and have finally realized it plagues me as well. I've realized that I have to pray, constantly. I've realized that I have to utilize my support group - friends and family and other's with similar goals and issues. I've realized that I have to continue to do better... each and every day and as I do it will get easier. The cravings slowly disappear, my stomach adjusts and I finally eat to live rather than live to eat. 

As most of you know I'm a quote freak... so I'm about to lay a few on you that have meant something to me.

"Blessed are the cracked - for they shall let the light in"

"The hardest battle is between what you know and what you feel"

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'"

"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame"

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives"

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't" 

Food is a battle that I must win daily. Some days are better than others but mostly it's just plain hard. It's hard to retrain your brain and your body that you don't really NEED what you so desperately CRAVE and have previously allowed yourself over and over and over again. It's hard to resist when a constant slideshow of food is going on in my head... to mentally yell "STOP!" and change the subject in my head - sounds crazy, but that is exactly what happens in this crazy brain of mine. It's hard to be around, see and smell all the food around me that others are consuming and wonder why they can and I can't... why it's so hard for me... why my metabolism isn't faster... why I wasn't born with the skinny gene. It's hard to not have a melt down when the scale doesn't move like I pre-determine it should. 

BUT

Today I didn't crave anything. Today I walked around the grocery store for 10 minutes trying to find something to eat for lunch and I made a good choice. Today food did not win and today the scales did move... Today I won. And a very wise man once said to me "the future is worry and the past is guilt.. now is the time the Lord wants us in"... so today is what I can control and today was a good day.

(For those of you keeping up we are closing on Day 3 of our 24 Day Challenge... in those 3 days Clint has lost 4.1 and I have lost 6.5. Because of that I'm not expecting big numbers in the next few days but I am happy that it's coming off at all)

Challenged, again

So...here we are again... back to "the Challenge". How I slipped so far away from doing well I don't know. Things happened... I lost people close to me... I was betrayed by people I loved... basically, I was hurting and I turned to food. Food has always been my comfort and as good as my intentions are and as much as I condition myself it's always still kinda there. No excuses. That was my motto since last July - stop making excuses to live an unhealthy lifestyle that gets me no where. Stop allowing myself to eat in order to "make myself feel better" ... when at the end of the day all it did was make me feel worse. Stop sitting on my butt when there are a hundred things that need doing. Stop isolating myself because I'm insecure. Stop putting everyone else first 100% of the time and MAKE time for myself. Stop drowning and START living. No excuses... I can and will do this. So what I have to start again. So what I have to re-train by body and my brain. So what I hated today, the first day of the 24 Day Challenge. At least I'm not 294 pounds again. Yes, I just threw that out there for the first time ever and made it "real". It use to terrify me to think that someone might know my weight... but now it drives me forward... makes me work harder to get further away from that number. The highest number I've ever seen on the scale. So I'll take all the positive I can get ... starting with the fact that I am not even close to that number anymore. As I begin this next Challenge I feel lost - I'm definitely ready to do this... but I feel like I've forgotten everything. It's like learning all over again how to eat healthy, I can't really explain it... just seems harder than last time. Today was tough, I won't even sugar coat it... I took two short naps one was because my head was pounding and the second because I wanted to eat... so bad... I was literally imagining all of my favorite foods... absolutely ridiculous I know. But that's how tough it's going to be this time, I HAVE to buckle down and get through it - hopefully those scales move a little in the morning to give be a little boost of motivation. I WAS down 77 pounds... as of this morning I'm only down 50... that's a pretty big difference, bigger than I thought, and I'm angry about it, but I've got no one to blame but myself. So here we go again, I'm determined to get under 200 and you know what... I'm 100% confident that I will. The hardest part is the wait (play on words right there if I ever heard one!)... waiting for the pounds to drop after I put in the effort every day, it takes forever. Some days I want to slam my head into a wall, some days I wanna just throw my hands up and go get a big juicy burger, some days I feel like I'm Queen of the world and I've got willpower for days - it's a battle day in and day out. If you have ever struggled with anything you know where I'm coming from. So today I ask you for help in this battle I've begun... please don't hate me for my thousands of posts here or on FB, keep me accountable, encourage me when you can... just send me a smile or a "you've got this"... trust me, I'm gonna need it. My husband is pretty much my favorite thing on this planet right now. He's decided to begin this Challenge with me - full on by my side. And so we begin our battle.