Addicted

Have you ever met an addict? Well... if not... let me introduce myself. My name is Jillian and I am definitely addicted to food. I know I have some humor in my blogs and for those of you that know me well that may seem sarcastic... I know we joke about how a screaming kid makes me want a cheeseburger... and you've most likely heard me go into detail about my favorite foods at any given point. But this is real and as serious as it gets... sadly, I am addicted to food. Much like a person could be addicted to cocaine or alcohol... I have let food control my life... I believed that it could "comfort" me... I overindulged, knowing it would make me feel bad physically... I let it determine my emotions... and I let my emotions determine what and when and how much I ate. I allowed myself to become "morbidly obese", endangering my life and opening the door for all types of ailments. It took awhile for me to realize that I was in fact addicted to food... I always thought I just love food - to cook it, to share it to eat it... it never crossed my mind that it controlled me.

I looked up the American Society of Addiction Medicine and found this definition:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

The words: reward, motivation, pursuing reward and/or relief by use, inability to consistently abstain, craving, cycles of relapse and remission.... are the first to jump out at me. This is a real definition of addiction and this is really how food and eating effects me. And the scariest part of it all is it could, in all actuality, lead me to a premature death. I am not about to allow something to cause my family pain - watching me suffer or taking me away from them is not an option. I'm no expert on addiction but I have seen it plaguing those I love, and have finally realized it plagues me as well. I've realized that I have to pray, constantly. I've realized that I have to utilize my support group - friends and family and other's with similar goals and issues. I've realized that I have to continue to do better... each and every day and as I do it will get easier. The cravings slowly disappear, my stomach adjusts and I finally eat to live rather than live to eat. 

As most of you know I'm a quote freak... so I'm about to lay a few on you that have meant something to me.

"Blessed are the cracked - for they shall let the light in"

"The hardest battle is between what you know and what you feel"

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'"

"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame"

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives"

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't" 

Food is a battle that I must win daily. Some days are better than others but mostly it's just plain hard. It's hard to retrain your brain and your body that you don't really NEED what you so desperately CRAVE and have previously allowed yourself over and over and over again. It's hard to resist when a constant slideshow of food is going on in my head... to mentally yell "STOP!" and change the subject in my head - sounds crazy, but that is exactly what happens in this crazy brain of mine. It's hard to be around, see and smell all the food around me that others are consuming and wonder why they can and I can't... why it's so hard for me... why my metabolism isn't faster... why I wasn't born with the skinny gene. It's hard to not have a melt down when the scale doesn't move like I pre-determine it should. 

BUT

Today I didn't crave anything. Today I walked around the grocery store for 10 minutes trying to find something to eat for lunch and I made a good choice. Today food did not win and today the scales did move... Today I won. And a very wise man once said to me "the future is worry and the past is guilt.. now is the time the Lord wants us in"... so today is what I can control and today was a good day.

(For those of you keeping up we are closing on Day 3 of our 24 Day Challenge... in those 3 days Clint has lost 4.1 and I have lost 6.5. Because of that I'm not expecting big numbers in the next few days but I am happy that it's coming off at all)