Moving Mountains

 I obviously haven't been journaling/blogging lately... and I feel the need to dump it all. All the highs and lows and in betweens of our time apart... but that would take me 20 pages and you, I'm sure, would lose interest. I'm going to try to make some sort of organized summary of things... we shall see. 

We moved. New home. New city. New furniture. New surroundings. New neighbors. Everything is new and while I'm beyond grateful and overwhelmed with happiness at the fact that we've found our "forever home" the anxiety that is attached to all those "new" things is unbelievably immobilizing. It still doesn't feel like "home" yet - it's huge and airy and everything I've ever wanted, yet also scary in the way that I feel a little bit lost. It's beautiful but also still very unfamiliar. I will get there, we will all get there... day by day it will become our home. Our neighbors are wonderful - so kind, friendly and welcoming. My head says NOOOO while my heart says be a good neighbor, be a friend. The thought of sitting around at neighborhood barbecues and stopping to chat at the mailbox legit makes me want to vomit. It's not that I don't want to be that person - I TOTALLY do... the anxiety of all just strangles me. What will they say? What will I say? What will they think of me? What if I sound dumb? What if they want to hang out all the time? What if they judge me? What if they judge my family? What if we don't have anything to talk about? For anyone that does not suffer from anxiety those probably sound like the most ridiculous things to think... but for me it flies through my head on repeat and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Trust me, I want to be "normal"... I want to walk up and start a conversation with zero worries about what's to come. I want to make new friends, I do. I just can't help but think of the worst case scenario in every single situation. It's maddening and frustrating and I don't want to be this way. I want to host the neighborhood cookouts and make lemon pound cakes to share and have all the kids playing in our yard. I want that, more than anything... I just don't know how to step outside my head and get there. I see it in Renn, which is by far one of the worst things I've ever experienced. Yes, I'm serious. It absolutely shatters my heart to see him experiencing the same feelings and thoughts that I have. I don't want that for him. Clint always tells me I need to help him through it because I know what it's like... but that's the hard part - I don't know how to "get through it"... or I wouldn't be here, where I am. I don't know how to help him, because I'm still stuck. 

I feel so very "less than" these days. I have big thoughts, big aspirations and just want to be, in general, better than I am. At night I lay in bed and think of everything I should have done differently - how I could have been a better wife, a better mom, a better daughter, a better friend. I think about the mistakes I may have made throughout the day - was I too quick to anger, did I make enough time for everyone else, did I say too much during that conversation, did I reach out to my friend when I should have??? Does everyone do that? I don't know... probably not. In a way it's good I strive to be better, but in a lot of ways it's bad that I'm so down on myself when I fall short. I need to find balance. I need to learn to give myself some grace - but not enough grace that I create a new excuse. 

I keep telling myself next week I'll eat better. Next week I'll put my meal plan in place. Next week I'll do a cleanse. Next week I'll get out and walk. Next week I'll stop with the soda. You know, another day... any other day BUT today. Everyone has great big plans for tomorrow. The truth of the matter - which we all already know is I'm making excuses. Every excuse in the book to be exact. It's annoying and I'm over myself... but for some reason I just can get over the hump and do anything about it. Helping others always seems to motivate me... and I know several people have asked about the Facebook page Through Thick and Thin... where I post meal preps, recipes and food videos. I'm going to MAKE myself start there and just chip away at my anxiety and nervousness over doing that again. I did enjoy it - it's just the getting back to it that's terrifying. I feel guilty when I let things go or I don't follow through. The funny thing is that I do that because of my anxiety but then my anxiety gets WORSE when I try to pick it back up. Ugh... around and 'round we go. 

Alrighty... now that you've heard all my blah blah blah and whine whine whine... here's the thing. I'm GOING to change. I'm going to push myself. I'm going to work hard and put the effort in. I'm going to move this mountain. I sit here in my big, beautiful home surrounded by my supportive family with the ability to meal plan and I know there are zero excuses. Maybe I can't change the fact that my anxiety slows me down or self doubt makes me stop and take a deep breath or my old habits make it hard... but I can change the way I react to those things. I can find ways to encourage myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can take one day, one obstacle at a time. As cliche as it may sound... it doesn't matter how fast I go or how hard I go or how many times I fall... at the end of it all the only thing that matters is that I keep pushing forward. So I'll see you soon... I promise :). 

Desperately Seeking...

As many of you know I've struggled with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) for several years now. A few months ago I felt it had escalated to the point that I needed a little extra help - I was prescribed Zoloft by a "newish" primary doctor that hadn't taken much time with me. About 2.5 weeks in I started experiencing all the things they warn you about... including the worst. I’ve never been down there... down that tunnel of depression so deep and dark that you can’t see the light anymore. I’ve never felt so hopeless and helpless and full of heartache in all my life. Until now. Now I can say I’ve been there, I’ve felt that... and it’s no where I want to be ever again. I felt trapped inside myself... I was screaming on the inside, beating the walls of my cage - someone help me, someone see me.... but nothing was coming out, nothing even reached the surface. It’s despair. It’s shame. It’s debilitating. It’s overwhelmingly sad. I was so lost. Lost to the point that I felt like the world would probably be better off without me in it... yes, you read that correctly... I thought that. Looking back to that moment I feel so devastated to realize those thoughts were my own. I feel so very blessed that rational thought stepped in, even for a moment. and it shocked my system enough to realize that wasn’t me... that’s not how I was suppose to feel. Even after that it took me DAYS to speak out... to ask for help... to tell someone. I still remember the look on my husband's face when I casually mentioned it... I didn't really know how else to bring it up so I just said it... out loud and it took everything in me to speak it into existence. Everything inside of me was rattling - I felt like I was actually vibrating with worry and fear and to be honest just straight crazy... yet, on the outside I was a zombie - a deer in headlights - I was a shell. Sometimes, on my worst days... even now I feel that way. The noise in my head is so loud and everything is moving too fast, but I know my body seems slow, unfocused and out of sync. It is really quite hard for me to put into more extensive words what that feel like - I try to explain to my husband, to my mother... but no one can completely understand unless they've been there. I am so very grateful the ones I love the most have NOT had to experience these things... so while it feels like such a lonely existence sometimes it's still a blessing for others not to know. Even now as I write this blog it seems like it happened to a different person... like I'm the author of a book in which my character went through something absolutely shattering... it doesn't seem like it was me. I still remember what it felt like enough to describe it but I feel like I've also separated myself from that time in some way.

However.... HOWEVER... I am doing MUCH better. I was able to find a new primary care physician (thanks to my aunt) she and my husband moved mountains to get me there THAT day. My new doctor referred me to a psychologist/psychiatrist team that have sense become our family's saving grace. They got me in quickly as I was in "crisis mode" and immediately began medicine and therapy. My psychiatrist paid attention... she found the right medicine for me... and that, along with therapy has made truly significant difference in my life. Zero desperate thoughts have entered this head of mine in quite some time and I will be forever grateful for those who surrounded me and lifted me up when I couldn't do it for myself.

I know for awhile there I was a bit vague about what I was going through and that was intentional. I wasn't quite ready for the world to know how deep it went and how completely it rocked me. Now that I'm working hard on myself and have an even bigger support system I wanted to let everyone know that I am doing well... really well. 

Getting back to it...

I sat myself down to do a live tonight - just to chat... without the distraction of cooking and meal prep in front of me and just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm feeling emotional today and of course that brings a bucket load of anxiety along for the ride. I told myself all the things I wanted to say - I sat there... and sat there... in front of my phone, with the live video right there and I just could not get myself to hit that "start" button. What can I say... some days I have what it takes, most days I won't. My husband walked into the room while I struggled in front of my phone and simply said, "just write it". Writing is my happy place - it's where I feel the least anxious and the most myself. So here I am...

I don't have anything huge to say... I basically just wanted to talk about my frustrations after going to Aldi. I want to love it, I really - really - really do. I keep going back and trying again. I want it to be great and everything I know it can be, but... but for me it just falls short every single time. Every time I'm disappointed and leave the store annoyed with the state of the produce and even more annoyed that I now have to go to another store to finish up my shopping. I've seen produce that's over a week out of date... the fruits and veggies don't hold up well (for me at least) - I usually have to throw things out pretty quickly... a lot of it is smooshed and dirty and honestly just makes me gag to touch it sometimes. I get that it's cheaper so they don't make it look as presentable but.... really... I'd just rather pay more and get better looking produce. We eat A LOT of it and I want it to look, smell and taste fresh. I've heard that all stores are not like this one... but the Apex store has definitely been found lacking for us and I'm pretty depressed about it. I tell Clint all the time that my dream is to one day be able to shop exclusively at The Fresh Market - everything looks so beautiful but be ready to throw some serious dough down... the fresh organic-ness will cost you. I also daydream about Publix... the produce area there is beyond compare, it's gorgeous... and that may be a strange thing to say about a produce section... but it's true life. If you've never been you should go - just to witness this utopia of fruits and vegetables. It is also super expensive... another reason I'm not shopping there on the regular. I've been doing Walmart grocery pick-up for most things and then Aldi runs for produce... but something is going to have to give. Before I left the world of couponing at Harris Teeter I noticed the quality of their produce going down hill as well. So with that being said... where do you get YOUR produce???? Inquiring minds want to know.

Also, I did a thing... sorry, I rolled my eyes at myself for that statement. But... nevertheless... that's what I did. I started this FB page to have a place to share my journey without worrying about who on my friend's list was annoyed by my incessant food/recipe/weight loss posts. I'm slowly getting use to going live - but still freak out - as noted by the beginning of this little blurb. I hope to become better at the videos and lives and just "teaching" recipes in general. Please help me... please! Let me know if there are things you want to see or need me to spell out for you. Ask questions. Give me advice. It's "my" page but it's not just for me... it's for everyone out there struggling or trying to eat better or find new recipes... it's for all of us so speak up, share away. I love interacting with you guys there in that space and I couldn't be happier you took the time to join in. There are a lot of people on the new page that I don't know personally - which is both shocking and exciting. For those people that don't know me something has been on my mind... I'm sure you see the lives and the videos and probably think - wow this chick does NOT look like her profile picture. So anxious me... wanted to explain. The profile picture is me at my heaviest - 296... yes, I'm just going to throw that out there... and me at my lowest - which was 218 I believe. Sadly, I'm not there anymore but I threw that picture up there to keep me focused. To show myself that I CAN do this, in fact... I've already done it. I just have to find my way back again.

Another thing... and the more important thing... I wanted to write about tonight was my own journey. If you've been following me at all you know that BEFORE 😠 the holidays I lost 40 pounds. Well, I'm here to be completely transparent with you so you should know that over those over-indulgent few weeks I gained 20 of those pounds back. Yes, twenty, two-zero. Again... and as I've said many times right here in the pages of this very blog... I looked around for someone to by angry at... but there was only me. I did it, or I guess you could say I OVER-did it to a shockingly ridiculous extent. Quite frankly it's embarrassing and I want to pretend that I'm still just shedding those pounds off but right now I'm sitting on the struggle bus and getting through the "tough time". The "tough time" is when you have to get your life right after going buck-wild and throwing your hands in the air like you just don't care. I get to go through the caffeine and sugar and carb withdrawals and deal with fatigue and headaches and power through the overall psycho roller coaster mental state that is currently taking up all the space in my head. It's super. It's so hard not to cheat. It's so hard to force myself to drink only water and one Bang alllllllll day long. It's hard to stay focused and motivated even though I want to cry and stuff my face with all the evil things like ice cream and noodles and bread. What's even crazier is I KNOW this will pass... it always does... and I get to a point that I don't crave those things at all. That's when I'm in the zone... and I cannot wait to get there.

I truly appreciate you reading my mumblings and watching my videos. Your comments and messages and likes/loves make my world go 'round right now and I need that more than you know. So from the bottom of this fluffy girl's heart, I adore you.

MEAL PLAN THIS WEEK

Weekly Breakfasts:Breakfast Burritos (minus the meat) / LadyBoss Shake :)

Weekly Lunches:Greek Salad + Pita w/ Hummus / Protein Box (boiled egg, ham rolls, string cheese, pretzel crips and orange slices)

Saturday: BBQ Chicken Tostadas / Grilled Zucchini & Corn Toastadas
Sunday: Vegan Spicy Thai Peanut Ramen
Monday: Saturday left-overs
Tuesday: Sunday left-overs
Wednesday: dinner plans - we will be out and making GREAT choices!
Thursday: Balsamic Pork Roast + Roasted Asparagus + Parmesan Couscous
Friday: Cauliflower crust pizzas!

Just like that

Day 75.... 35.4 pounds down

Why is eating healthy so difficult? Why is sticking to something you HAVE to do with every fiber of your being so terribly maddening?? In my head I'm throwing my hands up in utter defeat screaming "WHHHHHHHHHY" at the universe. Why was I cursed with this burden. I wanna huff and puff about it and whine and make a really great angry face... it's pathetic really. But it's just so darn hard, ya'll. Anyone that has ever struggled with something could tell you all about it, I'm sure. So many things happen in life and just like that you feel like you are back at square one... you get sick, someone passes away, you have a lot going on that week, your spouse is working long hours, your child is sick, it's that time of the month... any myriad of things can throw roadblocks up all over your path... no matter how sturdy you make the foundation. So I have to work hard... SO hard... to train my brain to be ready for those hurdles when they show up. The more I work through them the "easier" it becomes to jump it the next time around. That's the hypothesis anyway.

I've been lonely... like pull my hair out... talk to myself... starting to go a little loony lonely. The other day I told my husband that I looked forward to Tuesdays because the neighborhood lawn crew was out and I knew other people were around. You could clearly see the worry on his face. Don't get me wrong... I love my new job... I love playing with the kids - teaching them and loving on them brings me so much joy... however, I do desperately miss adult interaction. For most of my adult life I've worked with people - they've been around me so much so that I prayed for a moment with no interruptions - yet now I feel a little lost because it's soooooo quiet. I use to laugh about how I would escape to the bathroom for just 5 mins of quiet time when I got home from work ... now, when Clint comes home I basically chase him around the house to chat. Oh, how the tables have turned. The aloneness definitely feeds my demons... my urge to eat badly and my anxiety rages a little bit more in the quiet. It's a bit of a conundrum really... my loneliness adds to my anxiety but my anxiety also plays a huge role in keeping me lonely. It's hard for me to reach out and call people - even people I consider my best friends - even though I REALLY want to talk. It's hard for me to go out and about without my husband (my safe place) - even though I love doing fun things with Renn after school -  because I worry that people I don't know will talk to me and I won't know what to say or maybe people will judge Renn (or his mother) for his, sometimes very visible, behaviors. How ridiculous is that?! I know it... I can feel how crazy that sounds... but it's a fact of life for me. I'm getting anxiety... right now... writing this, just thinking of everyone reading it and what they will think or putting myself out there a little bit more each time I write. But I think it's also very important for me to let go of the fear and the hiding... that gives it less power over me. And I want that, so much.

I got anxiety the other day just being in the car alone, surrounded by other cars with people in them.

Let that sink in.

I was in a familiar space (my car) and everyone else was in their own space - away from me... they couldn't touch me or talk to me or even breathe the same air... yet somehow I was overcome with nerves. I was stopped at a stop light and had to talk myself through the moment. There was NO reason for it. I hate that feeling... it's like I'm on a roller coaster, but there's no adrenaline junkie here in this car, no ma'am, not me. My breaths come faster but I can't slow down and fill up my lungs, my body heats up, all the noises come in at once but I can't focus on anything, it's loud and distracting and I know my eyes reflect the fact that I feel like a deer in headlights. I close my eyes and slowly count to 5 and focus on "my slideshow"... which are images of my family I have saved in my head for moments just like that. And just like that the moment passes. It doesn't always pass so quickly, but after years of practice most of the time I can calm the storm in record time.

I'm truly hoping that after practicing eating healthy the moments that are tough to get through will pass just as quickly. Just like that.

Next week's plan...
Breakfasts: Steel Cut Oatmeal in the Crockpot I'll add different toppings (strawberries, shredded coconut, honey, banana, walnuts, almond butter, etc) (Clint) / LadyBoss Shake (Jillian)
Lunches: protein box (pepper strips & hummus, orange slices,protein ball, hard boiled eggs) (Clint) / teriyaki chicken bowls (Jillian)
Snacks: Chocolate PB Flourless Muffins, salsa w/ sunchips, fresh fruit, nuts, string cheese, Elevation bars - Lemon (190 cal) for Jillian and Chocolate PB (210 cal) for Clint
Saturday:
Sunday: Garden Vegetable Lasagna
Monday: Veggie Pizza, from Aldi (Clint) / Cauliflower Pizza with turkey pepperoni (Jillian)
Tuesday: Sunday left-overs
Wednesday: homemade falafels from the freezer (I previously made them using this recipe Classic Vegan Falafel) on a pita with lettuce, tomato, olives, feta and avocado sauce (Clint) /  Crockpot Beef Stew for me and Renn
Thursday: VEGGIE NIGHT!! Shiitake Mushroom Risotto (Papa Spuds box) + Baked Okra + Honey Balsamic Roasted Brussel Sprouts
Friday: Wednesday left-overs

Get Right

It's been awhile. I promised to be transparent. It's taken me awhile to be able to come here and let my demons loose... it's been tough for the last couple of weeks. Although I've had real stressors in my life it's not an excuse to make excuses. I was sad... I was in pain and I could hear my brain telling me that eating would make me feel better. I had zero motivation and could have cared less about what I ate. I was too chicken to even step on the scale and see how far I had drifted. I felt slouchy and tired ALL the time. Everything seemed like it took too much energy... and that's not just because I've gained weight, it's because of the pure crap I've been allowing in my body. Simple carbs and sugar. It causes inflammation, increases your blood sugar and makes your body go through a seesaw of energy levels, among other things. You're probably asking yourself how I smart enough to KNOW what I'm doing to my body but dumb enough to do it anyway... because sometimes I'm just lame like that. Sometimes I take the "easy" route and I get lazy and whiny and I feel like life is hard. Then I catch a glimpse of the mountains and valleys that reside under my chin or I get embarrassed that someone has to watch me take an extra few seconds to get off the floor while I haul my heft around or I find myself avoiding people who look to me to help them follow through and everything just screeches to a halt. What the heck are you even doing - I say to myself. I point at myself in the mirror and say "You're better than this." (yes... I speak to myself a lot... don't judge... it helps me get my life right). But ya know... I already ruined the day so might as well finish it off with a bang... (insert eye roll emoji) so I head for the ice cream and set it on the counter...

And then... my beautiful, dear husband says to me... "maybe you should set some goals for tomorrow". My back was to him... I kept it that way and took a deep breath. My head immediately went into defensive mode... I wanted to tell him to shove it. But I couldn't... because he was right, he was so right. I told him before I even began this journey that I needed him to hold me accountable and that is exactly what he was doing. I can still think of 10 comebacks I wanted to shout in that moment... I wanted to be angry and tell him he doesn't know what it's like. But... he does, doesn't he? He's been there and he's powered through. He's just thrown down a rope to pull me up out of my stupor. Because he's my soulmate like that. Of course I should set some goals... like get up off your lazy bum and get your head back in the game. Do what makes you HAPPY, not what fuels the sadness.

This morning I got on the scale. 6 pounds. It doesn't sound like a lot when you say it... but when you've fought hard for every ounce of those 6 pounds it kinda feels like a mountain. I was frustrated with myself, but I funneled that right back in to motivation to do better. Be better. Make better choices and think better of myself. Life IS hard... but that is no longer allowed to be my excuse.

Tonight at dinner he says... "you need to write a blog". Listen to my wise guy. Again, he's so right. I do... I did... I felt it this morning - I needed to jump in with both feet. I don't have much to say, but I'm here. I can't woo you with any wisdom or life lessons this evening... but I wanted you to know I am here. I'm fighting to get right and every single day that passes I'll be stronger and maybe then I can throw some amazingness your way, but for today it's just me apologizing for being lame... one more time.

Next week's plan... which I will stick to like white on rice... but I'll pick a much healthier, complex carb... not white rice... never white rice:
Breakfasts:  Easy Breakfast Burritos (Clint) / LadyBoss Shake (Jillian)
Lunches: Cold Sesame Noodle Bowls (Clint) / Protein Box (Jillian)
Snacks: LadyBoss protein balls, Fourless Banana Bread Muffins, Harvest Crisps, fresh fruit, nuts, caramel rice cakes + Dark Chocolate Dreams PB, hard boiled eggs
Saturday: Lemon Garlic Orzo w/ Roasted Veggies (Clint) / BBQ Pork Chops + Vegetable Pasta + Fresh Green Beans (Jillian & Renn)
Sunday: Vegan Creamy Tomato Pasta (Clint) / Mini Meatloaf + Oven Roasted Potatoes + Asparagus (Jillian & Renn)
Monday: Saturday night left-overs
Tuesday: Sunday night left-overs
Wednesday: Rainbow Veggie Pad Thai (Clint) / Marinated Chicken + Roasted Broccoli + Wild Rice
Thursday: Wednesday night left-overs
Friday: Taco Bowls

My Favorite Things

Hello beautiful people.
Day 53, Down 32 pounds. 
It's Saturday!! And although I'm dealing with back pain I'm so happy to spend a full day hanging out with my family. I'm a little draggy and just comfy in my pajamas on the couch so I thought... why not speak to "my people" :) I've been talking to a few people here and there about working on a meal plan or just giving out simple "meal-hacks" that I use to make life easier. A big question I've been asked is, "What are your favorite things?"... of course, I list them right off... but I thought more people might be interested or maybe just want to change up their day to day eats and treats.
So here's my go-to favorites that work for me...

*Unsweetened Almond Milk: Only 30 calories and has a ton of good fats = heart health! It is considered "nutrient dense"This is great to keep your protein shake creamy :) Since Renn doesn't drink milk anyways this is ALL we have in our house these days. Dairy inhibits weight-loss, so while I can't give up all the cheeses I can give up regular milk.

*Harvest Snaps: This does wonders for my chip addiction... when I'm truly craving chips I turn to these, or from time to time - SunChips (which are whole grain). My favorite flavor of the Harvest Snaps are Tomato Basil - watch that serving size though! Bag them out ahead of time so it doesn't become an over-indulgence, because trust me it can happen FAST!

*LadyBoss Lean: I do not sell this product so please don't think I'm trying to pitch it to you. But it's absolutely DELICIOUS! I love that it's made specifically for women and the taste is great. You don't have to use THIS product but I highly suggest you do some research and have some sort of powdered protein on hand - packs a great protein punch in muffins, waffles, shakes and energy balls. We use it for many things. ---- So I truly MUST add in a secret little recipe for Edible Cookie Dough I got off my LadyBoss Facebook page... 1 scoop Lean protein powder + 2 TBSP nut butter + 1 TBSP almond milk + 1 tsp dark chocolate chips, she says "Just mix all ingredients together and prepare a speech for Jesus cause you're about to be in heaven, girl!" hahaha!! I haven't tried it yet, but trust me - it's a'comin'. 

*Kodiak Cakes: I only use the ones labeled "Power Cakes", they are made of 100% whole grain and have added protein. I absolutely LOVE making waffles for something a little different - I've eaten them for breakfast, lunch and a snack!

*Walden's Sauces: "No calories, Fat, Carbs, Gluten or Sugars of any kind"(waldenfarms.com)... it's crazy how much of a difference this sauce made in my chicken burrito bowl... it's SOOOO good! They have salad dressings, coffee creamers and syrups, pasta sauces, bbq sauces, etc. Now I want a gift certificate for the Walden Farms store #allthethings. I'm so excited to explore this whole new world!

*Popcorn Seasoning: Weird, huh? I'm sharing this because it makes SUCH a cool difference in bland old egg whites - they have lots of flavors so you can change it up, I know several people that like to use the Jalapeno cheddar! I'm a ranch fan myself. Just add it to egg whites before cooking and boom! new experiences!

*Steel Cut Oats: This form of oat is the least processed and therefore contains the most nutrients. I was nervous to go from my usual quick oats, but everything tastes the same it's just a bit crunchier, which I'm totally fine with. Oats are overall awesome-sauce for your gut health - they have more fiber than any other grain! They lower cholesterol AND blood pressure, contain antioxidants, slow the rise in blood sugar, contain phytochemicals - which have been shown to reduce the risk of hormone-related cancers. On top of ALL of those bonuses in this little tiny grain it also had a tendency to keep you full longer (it's all that fiber!) - win/win for people trying to lose weight!

*Quinoa: This tiny thing packs another powerful punch - it contains all 9 essential amino acids, it's high in fiber/protein and it's gluten free! On healthline.com I read that quinoa contains quercetin and kaempferol - two "molecules that have been shown to have anti-inflammatory, anti-viral, anti-cancer and anti-depressant effects in animal studies" - excuse me... who doesn't need that in their life!! In regards to weight-loss, "The human-based study found that using quinoa instead of typical gluten-free breads and pastas significantly reduced blood sugar, insulin and triglyceride levels. Research in rats showed that adding quinoa to a diet high in fructose almost completely inhibited the negative effects of fructose." ... what the what!?!? That's crazy awesome... and something you DEFINITELY need to get in  your belly ASAP!

*Skinny Pop Popcorn: Remember, it's a whole grain... just popped! It's actually an amazingly healthy snack - it's got fiber, low fat and low calories AND... the best part... you get a LOT of it! You still need to watch your serving since... but this is 100% my go to when I want to truly "snack" on something. My favorite's in the brand so far are the Aged White Cheddar and Kettle Corn, of course that last one helps with any sweet cravings I may have... you know around that time of the month.

*Peanut Butter & Co: Hello... if you have not tried the White Chocolate Wonderful we cannot even be friends. Seriously, I sing it's praises quite often and it's just past time you had this on your shelf. It brightens my whole day... literally... and while that may seem lame as all get out, it's just downright true. I love the Dark Chocolate Dreams as well... still searching for The Bee's Knees, let me know if you see it!

*Bang: We should all know by now how I feel about Bang... hopefully, if you follow me at all on anything. It 0 calories / 0 sugar / 0 carb - has a fantastic flavor and energizes me. It's not an uncomfortable energy or a ZAP! ... but it just allows me to continue to being productive throughout my entire day rather than having that evening/after work lull. I usually drink it around 3 - it's my afternoon pick-me-up and I look forward to it every single day.

*Mio Energy Iced Vanilla Java: This isn't super healthy... but I tell you what, it's a heck of a lot healthier than a Starbuck's frappuccino and that what it feels like I'm drinking. #worthit

*Nutthins: No sugar, cholesterol, saturated fat or trans-fat in this here cracker. The have a fantastic snap and a heck of a taste. We use them in place of chips for the adults in this house - with tuna salad, nachos, with dips, to make pizza chips... if you can dream it, they can do it.

*Greek Yogurt Cream Cheese: I sub this for cream cheese errrytime ... Why? Because I like lots of recipes that call for cream cheese and you know... greek yogurt is better. It's like 4x the protein, half the calories and half the fat. Go for it... you'll never go back.

*Turkey Pepperoni: It's gotta be TURKEY... did you catch that. Fewer calories and fat that regular pepperoni... but it does get crazy on the sodium, so make sure you are chugging that water, girlfriend! But the reason this is on my "favorites" is because I make Pizza Chips and I couldn't love them more. I use a serving of Nutthins, a drop of pizza sauce, a slice of turkey pepperoni and then sprinkle mozzarella on top and microwave until the cheese melts. Epic.

Okay, I've shared mine... now show me yours. What are some of your favorite things that make your weight-loss/healthy eating days a little brighter? Do tell... I'm truly interested!

Over and out for today, ya'll
-J

Not Ashamed

I said I would blog my feelings... so here I am. I'm not as upset as I was yesterday... so I spared you from that... it's never a good thing for me to write when I'm angry. After weighing myself and being sooooo frustrated I looked around for someone to blame. I mean why would I gain ELEVEN pounds, yes... you read that correctly... just because I cheated for a couple of days. (Do you know how long it takes to LOSE 11 pounds?!?) Ohhh probably because you cheated for a couple of days, duh. So who was there to blame... me... just me. I did this... I let myself go and decided to eat and eat ... and eat all the wrong things. I grumbled to myself for most of the day on Monday... every time I had to chug water or make a better food choice. And today... well, today was worse. I got into stubborn little arguments with MYSELF (no, I'm not crazy) when it was time to eat I was so frustrated with having to make a healthier choice I almost refused to eat. I mean... what is that about? I felt like I was just slamming my head into a wall over and over and I might have huffed out loud a few times. Whhhhyyyy.... why is it so hard?! I was tired and cranky and withdrawing from sugar. This afternoon, I cracked open a Bang and read through my Pinterest Dream Board and got my head back in the game. It's really NOT that hard... it just takes effort, which means that sometimes it's easier than others. "The hard part isn't getting your body in shape. The hard part is getting your mind in shape." This is so very true... 95% of my problem is in my head... emotional eater, stress eater, anxious eater... I have to talk myself through most days... whether it's about food or something else. This is just one more thing bumping around in this head of mine. Another reason I must stay focused and keep my mind on the end game. I am worth it. I will do this. I give no excuses. I am committed. Through this process... and the many times I have been right here... I have learned that I can pretty much talk myself through anything. The power is within me, I just have to put in the effort. "The comeback is always stronger than the setback." This comeback will include crunches and pushups with a few hundred squats for good measure. I am absolutely TERRIFIED to put that out there... why? Because that means I must follow through. I am absolutely aching to workout but I'm also shaking in my knickers. I kinda wanna whine about it... but I'm better than that. That stupid little voice in the back of my head keeps whispering that I might fail, that I will be weak and it will hurt. Then my logical voice kicks in and says of course I will... I will fail at first because I have high standards and although I want to kick the first week off with 150 squats... I won't. I will fail myself and the idea of what I can do that is built up in my head... BUT I won't be a failure. I am weak, but that's only because this is the beginning. I will get stronger... and therein lies the magic of the transformation. And oh, it will hurt... it will hurt A LOT... but enduring those aches and pains will lead to stronger muscles - it means I worked hard. It means I am earning it. I will not be ashamed of my beginnings. Every journey starts somewhere.

Overnight I lost 3 of the 11 ... so only 8 more to go to break even. It was my choice, my mistake and I must now carry the burden of my choice. That does not make this the end, it just means I have to push harder.

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."

- Margaret Thatcher

Truer words have never been spoken... this is my battle and I definitely have to fight it time and time again. It's alright thought... I will overcome this and it will be epic.

I know I'm late to the game but here is the rest of the menu... I will go ahead and give you my 2 week plan (I do grocery pick up tomorrow).
Breakfasts: w1: Chia Yogurt Power Bowl (Clint) / LB Lean Shakes (Jillian)
                     w2: Toast with fried egg, tomato & provolone (Clint) / Shakes (Jillian)
Lunches: w1: 7 Layer Dip w/Pita Chips (Clint) / Burrito Bowls (Jillian)
                 w2: Tuna Salad w/Nutthins (Clint) / Pizza Chips (Cheddar Cheese Nutthins, Drop of Pizza sauce, Turkey Pepperoni, Mozzerella) (Jillian)
Snacks: skinny pop popcorn, nature valley protein bars, celery + PB, protein balls
W: Sheet pan veggies + chicken on the side
Th: picnic in suprise location! *probably Chick-fil-a meal*
F: Jill out with friends / boys fend for themselves ;)
Sa: Grilled Veggies & Black Bean BBQ Bowls (C) / Meatloaf + green beans + veggie pasta-Steamfresh brand (J)
Su: Medi Power Grain Bowls (C) / Teriyaki Chicken & Broccoli (J)
M: Left-over Saturday dinner
T: Left-over Sunday dinner
W: Make your own Quesadillas
Th: Stir Fry
F: Cauliflower Crust Pizza
Sa: Veggie Brunswick Stew (C) / Enchilada Casserole (J)
Su: Salmon Cakes + Sweet Potato Fries + Asparagus
M: Left-over Saturday dinner
T: Left-over Sunday dinner