Juggling Jello

Day 17
Ya’ll don’t even know how much I’ve struggled this week. For the life of me I cannot get my life right... I don’t know what going on. It took me Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - AND - Wednesday to get that extra weight off even though I never wavered, not once. FINALLY - this morning was down 18 pounds. That’s almost the weight of a car tire. Brings all new meaning to a “spare tire around the middle”... though I have yet to lose mine.
Back to my mid-life crisis. I’m an emotional/stressed/over-dramatic wreck of a housewife/mother. I cry every afternoon- not ugly cry... but my eyes definitely lose their ability to keep the wetness at bay. I haven’t felt good enough at anything - I feel spread out and like everything is crumbling around me. I’m juggling Jello. I’m not being a good enough mom. Renn has had to be off his ADHD meds this week and I am quite literally turning into a closet rocker because of it... you know that girl that sits in the closet and rocks back and forth while mumbling nonsense... yes, that girl. He goes NON-STOP all day long, needs food every 5 mins and yes, that is quite literal, needs attention, needs things to do, needs help, needs all the things ... and then around 5 he crashes emotionally for about 1-2 hours. At that point it’s hysterics - like I’ve never seen before... he is emotionally distraught and clinging to the thought of a scary picture he saw like it might climb out of the wall and eat us all for dinner. It’s that real to him and he has to be ON ME for the duration of the meltdown. Afterwards he goes to sleep, sometimes as early as 7:30pm. He is absolutely exhausting me. Don’t get me wrong, I feel for him I do - my heart breaks for him - that his little mind has to go through all these changes in one day. He’s obviously exhausting himself as well. Regardless, we are both distraught and have moved into some sort of co-dependent co-existence. To moms out there don’t be judgy, I just might punch you. It’s been tough and we’ve dealt the best way we know how. Don’t worry - Renn has therapy next week about his meds and we will get this figured out. We will be okay... but until then I’m gonna love him through it even if he gives me all the gray hairs. Luckily I have a village and his grandparents - whom he loves utterly and completely - make the time to love him through it too... when Mama reaches the closer rocker point. Even though that got a little personal I feel like you can understand a bit more about where I’m coming from this week and I wanted to share something... I have a couple other personal situations going on that I cannot share which are also taking up hot messy jumbled up scribble space in my head. Needless to say I’m FRIED. I came within an INCH of eating an I-don’t-give-a-crap meal yesterday. I was at my whit’s end and somewhere in the middle of the chaos my brain told my body that food would fix it. “This is too hard”... it said. “Pizza and pasta will make you feel happy”... it whispered. I, very realistically, had to shake it off. I will not, because some part of me held on by a thread and knew that it would actually make me feel far worse. I’d feel like a failure and it would close the deal on absolutely everything going up in flames this week... I cannot, will not give in. I pushed and I had to push HARD to get through that moment... even when my original dinner plans went up in smoke. I found another way, rather than an excuse.

I tell you what... this week has truly beat me to my knees... today was actually the icing on the cake and wouldn't I love to dive right in to a big fluffy, sugary cake. No... no, I wouldn't because what would that do? Then I'd be the closet rocker that has frosting all over her face crying into a cake... and who wants that? Not this girl. This evening Renn begged for a pizza, a real pizza... and it made him smile through the tears tonight so I got the kiddo a pizza and I came home and whipped myself up a cauliflower pizza. Remember - no excuses. My head is aching, my eyes burn from tearing up and my body is all done with this week. Trust me, I know I'm blessed and I'm not trying to be "Debbie Downer" - I truly want 99% of my blog posts to be upbeat and inspiring... but I also don't want to be a fake. I go through rough times and confusing times and times when I can be a real jerk. I want you to see it all - I want you to relate to me and share your hard moments too... and never, ever feel alone. I felt alone this week and then proceeded to bat that thought right out of my head. The moral of this story is through the week I kept my promise to myself and stayed strong in relation to healthy eating, I also didn't run out of the house screaming... not even once. I took TINY... minuscule steps forward... but I did move forward and that is everything. 

Every wonder what success looks like at the end of a hard week? Tonight... this is the image of success... I'm not eating regular Papa John's pizza... I'm making a better choice. Still... after my brain went through every excuse in the book I still chose to do better.

And I know most of you have this recipe... but in case you didn't here's the simplified version.
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Prepare a pan with parchment paper.
2 cups riced cauliflower - steamed / or shred up half a large head of cauliflower and cook in the microwave 7-8 minutes + 1 egg + 2 tsp parmesan cheese + 1 cup mozzerella + seasonings (I usually do salt/pepper, Italian seasoning and garlic powder) - mix well & spread out THIN onto your prepared pan. Spray with cooking spray (I use coconut oil spray) and bake for 10-15 minutes - it should be browning on top.
Remove from oven and add sauce + toppings then bake another 10 minutes, until cheese is bubbly.
Your welcome :).

Here's to the weekend, ya'll!
-J