Happiness

So I'm reading this book... it's kinda "high school"-ish and there are some inappropriate things (esp for said high schooler.... who I'm sure this book is written for) but it's gotten a little deep lately and yesterday some of the words really made me stop and think.
I have, and have always had, this issue with worrying about what people think about what I'm doing or how what I'm doing will effect them. While at times this could be considered a good thing - being considerate, thinking of others and all that jazz... for me it's become a negative thing. Worry and guilt consume me... makes me feel bad about myself and my choices... makes me stress... makes me EAT. So in this book the main character is being overrun with guilt about what she did or didn't do concerning a friend of hers and she is talking to good old Grandma about it. Sounds like something I would do at her age (I should probably do it a little more these days and maybe I would be a little wiser). And Grandma said,

"Don't go down that road. 

That's arrogant. 

You think too much of yourself and your effect on people."

.... um ... oh. I've never ever thought about it like that, and while it may not pertain to every situation it was completely eye opening for me. I make mistakes, I make good choices and I do what I do. I try. How people react is on them... what they think or do is their choice. This is life-changing.

You know what else makes me EAT... sadness... depression... and just being plain 'ole cranky. I've been there and done that this last week. Well, not the EAT part... but the overwhelming since of blah part. Typically, as previously discussed, when I'm feeling down I comfort myself with food like pizza and pasta and fries and desserts. So as I was sulking in the dark at naptime good ole Grandma threw more knowledge my way,

"Other things and other people make you feel happy,

 but they won't make you happy. 

That comes from you. 

That comes from your own heart."

Dang. Grandmas are smart. I rely too much on outside sources for my happiness and that has been more than apparent this week. Every day I felt like "what's special about today? nothing" and I allowed myself to wallow in that and be grumpy toward everyone around me. That is completely unacceptable. Thankfully my family loves me enough to let it go and hopefully my co-workers will forgive me. Sometimes you just gotta dig down deep and pull out some happiness. I have so many reasons to be happy... just because they occur every day doesn't mean I should take them for granted. I'm bad at that. I have 100 reasons to smile and 1 or 2 reasons to frown and somehow I manage to focus on the frown... focus on the worry or the let down or the stress and then guess what happens... I binge. So today I'm focusing on the happy. I'm literally talking to myself and reminding myself of all the blessings I have and how I shouldn't "borrow trouble" and worry about the things that I can't change. That in itself is a huge thing to wrap your head around. There is no one single thing I can do to effect the outcome of something major I am worried about, so I might as well take a deep breath and give it to God because it is truly in His hands. Isaiah 58:9... 

Well, I may not have said anything poetic or mind-blowing in today's post but it sure helped me to write it out. Mostly this blog is about figuring out a healthy life style and what I think and feel as I find it... so that's why this post was important to me. In order for me to recover from my addiction to food I have to work myself. I have to dissect my psyche and figure out what drives my addiction. Worry and depression are most definitely things I have to work through in order to maintain a healthy body. What are things that trigger you?

Update! Clint and I are on Day 7 of our 24 Day Challenge. Clint has lost 8.4 and I am down 11.4!!! And we are smashing it :) Clint's shorts are looser and I definitely see a change in my big ole belly. We will take measurements on Day 11 after the Cleanse Phase is complete. 

Thanks for reading. You make me happy.

Addicted

Have you ever met an addict? Well... if not... let me introduce myself. My name is Jillian and I am definitely addicted to food. I know I have some humor in my blogs and for those of you that know me well that may seem sarcastic... I know we joke about how a screaming kid makes me want a cheeseburger... and you've most likely heard me go into detail about my favorite foods at any given point. But this is real and as serious as it gets... sadly, I am addicted to food. Much like a person could be addicted to cocaine or alcohol... I have let food control my life... I believed that it could "comfort" me... I overindulged, knowing it would make me feel bad physically... I let it determine my emotions... and I let my emotions determine what and when and how much I ate. I allowed myself to become "morbidly obese", endangering my life and opening the door for all types of ailments. It took awhile for me to realize that I was in fact addicted to food... I always thought I just love food - to cook it, to share it to eat it... it never crossed my mind that it controlled me.

I looked up the American Society of Addiction Medicine and found this definition:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

The words: reward, motivation, pursuing reward and/or relief by use, inability to consistently abstain, craving, cycles of relapse and remission.... are the first to jump out at me. This is a real definition of addiction and this is really how food and eating effects me. And the scariest part of it all is it could, in all actuality, lead me to a premature death. I am not about to allow something to cause my family pain - watching me suffer or taking me away from them is not an option. I'm no expert on addiction but I have seen it plaguing those I love, and have finally realized it plagues me as well. I've realized that I have to pray, constantly. I've realized that I have to utilize my support group - friends and family and other's with similar goals and issues. I've realized that I have to continue to do better... each and every day and as I do it will get easier. The cravings slowly disappear, my stomach adjusts and I finally eat to live rather than live to eat. 

As most of you know I'm a quote freak... so I'm about to lay a few on you that have meant something to me.

"Blessed are the cracked - for they shall let the light in"

"The hardest battle is between what you know and what you feel"

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'"

"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame"

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives"

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't" 

Food is a battle that I must win daily. Some days are better than others but mostly it's just plain hard. It's hard to retrain your brain and your body that you don't really NEED what you so desperately CRAVE and have previously allowed yourself over and over and over again. It's hard to resist when a constant slideshow of food is going on in my head... to mentally yell "STOP!" and change the subject in my head - sounds crazy, but that is exactly what happens in this crazy brain of mine. It's hard to be around, see and smell all the food around me that others are consuming and wonder why they can and I can't... why it's so hard for me... why my metabolism isn't faster... why I wasn't born with the skinny gene. It's hard to not have a melt down when the scale doesn't move like I pre-determine it should. 

BUT

Today I didn't crave anything. Today I walked around the grocery store for 10 minutes trying to find something to eat for lunch and I made a good choice. Today food did not win and today the scales did move... Today I won. And a very wise man once said to me "the future is worry and the past is guilt.. now is the time the Lord wants us in"... so today is what I can control and today was a good day.

(For those of you keeping up we are closing on Day 3 of our 24 Day Challenge... in those 3 days Clint has lost 4.1 and I have lost 6.5. Because of that I'm not expecting big numbers in the next few days but I am happy that it's coming off at all)

Challenged, again

So...here we are again... back to "the Challenge". How I slipped so far away from doing well I don't know. Things happened... I lost people close to me... I was betrayed by people I loved... basically, I was hurting and I turned to food. Food has always been my comfort and as good as my intentions are and as much as I condition myself it's always still kinda there. No excuses. That was my motto since last July - stop making excuses to live an unhealthy lifestyle that gets me no where. Stop allowing myself to eat in order to "make myself feel better" ... when at the end of the day all it did was make me feel worse. Stop sitting on my butt when there are a hundred things that need doing. Stop isolating myself because I'm insecure. Stop putting everyone else first 100% of the time and MAKE time for myself. Stop drowning and START living. No excuses... I can and will do this. So what I have to start again. So what I have to re-train by body and my brain. So what I hated today, the first day of the 24 Day Challenge. At least I'm not 294 pounds again. Yes, I just threw that out there for the first time ever and made it "real". It use to terrify me to think that someone might know my weight... but now it drives me forward... makes me work harder to get further away from that number. The highest number I've ever seen on the scale. So I'll take all the positive I can get ... starting with the fact that I am not even close to that number anymore. As I begin this next Challenge I feel lost - I'm definitely ready to do this... but I feel like I've forgotten everything. It's like learning all over again how to eat healthy, I can't really explain it... just seems harder than last time. Today was tough, I won't even sugar coat it... I took two short naps one was because my head was pounding and the second because I wanted to eat... so bad... I was literally imagining all of my favorite foods... absolutely ridiculous I know. But that's how tough it's going to be this time, I HAVE to buckle down and get through it - hopefully those scales move a little in the morning to give be a little boost of motivation. I WAS down 77 pounds... as of this morning I'm only down 50... that's a pretty big difference, bigger than I thought, and I'm angry about it, but I've got no one to blame but myself. So here we go again, I'm determined to get under 200 and you know what... I'm 100% confident that I will. The hardest part is the wait (play on words right there if I ever heard one!)... waiting for the pounds to drop after I put in the effort every day, it takes forever. Some days I want to slam my head into a wall, some days I wanna just throw my hands up and go get a big juicy burger, some days I feel like I'm Queen of the world and I've got willpower for days - it's a battle day in and day out. If you have ever struggled with anything you know where I'm coming from. So today I ask you for help in this battle I've begun... please don't hate me for my thousands of posts here or on FB, keep me accountable, encourage me when you can... just send me a smile or a "you've got this"... trust me, I'm gonna need it. My husband is pretty much my favorite thing on this planet right now. He's decided to begin this Challenge with me - full on by my side. And so we begin our battle.