Why is eating healthy so difficult? Why is sticking to something you HAVE to do with every fiber of your being so terribly maddening?? In my head I'm throwing my hands up in utter defeat screaming "WHHHHHHHHHY" at the universe. Why was I cursed with this burden. I wanna huff and puff about it and whine and make a really great angry face... it's pathetic really. But it's just so darn hard, ya'll. Anyone that has ever struggled with something could tell you all about it, I'm sure. So many things happen in life and just like that you feel like you are back at square one... you get sick, someone passes away, you have a lot going on that week, your spouse is working long hours, your child is sick, it's that time of the month... any myriad of things can throw roadblocks up all over your path... no matter how sturdy you make the foundation. So I have to work hard... SO hard... to train my brain to be ready for those hurdles when they show up. The more I work through them the "easier" it becomes to jump it the next time around. That's the hypothesis anyway.
I've been lonely... like pull my hair out... talk to myself... starting to go a little loony lonely. The other day I told my husband that I looked forward to Tuesdays because the neighborhood lawn crew was out and I knew other people were around. You could clearly see the worry on his face. Don't get me wrong... I love my new job... I love playing with the kids - teaching them and loving on them brings me so much joy... however, I do desperately miss adult interaction. For most of my adult life I've worked with people - they've been around me so much so that I prayed for a moment with no interruptions - yet now I feel a little lost because it's soooooo quiet. I use to laugh about how I would escape to the bathroom for just 5 mins of quiet time when I got home from work ... now, when Clint comes home I basically chase him around the house to chat. Oh, how the tables have turned. The aloneness definitely feeds my demons... my urge to eat badly and my anxiety rages a little bit more in the quiet. It's a bit of a conundrum really... my loneliness adds to my anxiety but my anxiety also plays a huge role in keeping me lonely. It's hard for me to reach out and call people - even people I consider my best friends - even though I REALLY want to talk. It's hard for me to go out and about without my husband (my safe place) - even though I love doing fun things with Renn after school - because I worry that people I don't know will talk to me and I won't know what to say or maybe people will judge Renn (or his mother) for his, sometimes very visible, behaviors. How ridiculous is that?! I know it... I can feel how crazy that sounds... but it's a fact of life for me. I'm getting anxiety... right now... writing this, just thinking of everyone reading it and what they will think or putting myself out there a little bit more each time I write. But I think it's also very important for me to let go of the fear and the hiding... that gives it less power over me. And I want that, so much.
I got anxiety the other day just being in the car alone, surrounded by other cars with people in them.
Let that sink in.
I was in a familiar space (my car) and everyone else was in their own space - away from me... they couldn't touch me or talk to me or even breathe the same air... yet somehow I was overcome with nerves. I was stopped at a stop light and had to talk myself through the moment. There was NO reason for it. I hate that feeling... it's like I'm on a roller coaster, but there's no adrenaline junkie here in this car, no ma'am, not me. My breaths come faster but I can't slow down and fill up my lungs, my body heats up, all the noises come in at once but I can't focus on anything, it's loud and distracting and I know my eyes reflect the fact that I feel like a deer in headlights. I close my eyes and slowly count to 5 and focus on "my slideshow"... which are images of my family I have saved in my head for moments just like that. And just like that the moment passes. It doesn't always pass so quickly, but after years of practice most of the time I can calm the storm in record time.
I'm truly hoping that after practicing eating healthy the moments that are tough to get through will pass just as quickly. Just like that.
Next week's plan...
Breakfasts: Steel Cut Oatmeal in the Crockpot I'll add different toppings (strawberries, shredded coconut, honey, banana, walnuts, almond butter, etc) (Clint) / LadyBoss Shake (Jillian)
Lunches: protein box (pepper strips & hummus, orange slices,protein ball, hard boiled eggs) (Clint) / teriyaki chicken bowls (Jillian)
Snacks: Chocolate PB Flourless Muffins, salsa w/ sunchips, fresh fruit, nuts, string cheese, Elevation bars - Lemon (190 cal) for Jillian and Chocolate PB (210 cal) for Clint
Saturday:
Sunday: Garden Vegetable Lasagna
Monday: Veggie Pizza, from Aldi (Clint) / Cauliflower Pizza with turkey pepperoni (Jillian)
Tuesday: Sunday left-overs
Wednesday: homemade falafels from the freezer (I previously made them using this recipe Classic Vegan Falafel) on a pita with lettuce, tomato, olives, feta and avocado sauce (Clint) / Crockpot Beef Stew for me and Renn
Thursday: VEGGIE NIGHT!! Shiitake Mushroom Risotto (Papa Spuds box) + Baked Okra + Honey Balsamic Roasted Brussel Sprouts
Friday: Wednesday left-overs
