I obviously haven't been journaling/blogging lately... and I feel the need to dump it all. All the highs and lows and in betweens of our time apart... but that would take me 20 pages and you, I'm sure, would lose interest. I'm going to try to make some sort of organized summary of things... we shall see.
We moved. New home. New city. New furniture. New surroundings. New neighbors. Everything is new and while I'm beyond grateful and overwhelmed with happiness at the fact that we've found our "forever home" the anxiety that is attached to all those "new" things is unbelievably immobilizing. It still doesn't feel like "home" yet - it's huge and airy and everything I've ever wanted, yet also scary in the way that I feel a little bit lost. It's beautiful but also still very unfamiliar. I will get there, we will all get there... day by day it will become our home. Our neighbors are wonderful - so kind, friendly and welcoming. My head says NOOOO while my heart says be a good neighbor, be a friend. The thought of sitting around at neighborhood barbecues and stopping to chat at the mailbox legit makes me want to vomit. It's not that I don't want to be that person - I TOTALLY do... the anxiety of all just strangles me. What will they say? What will I say? What will they think of me? What if I sound dumb? What if they want to hang out all the time? What if they judge me? What if they judge my family? What if we don't have anything to talk about? For anyone that does not suffer from anxiety those probably sound like the most ridiculous things to think... but for me it flies through my head on repeat and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Trust me, I want to be "normal"... I want to walk up and start a conversation with zero worries about what's to come. I want to make new friends, I do. I just can't help but think of the worst case scenario in every single situation. It's maddening and frustrating and I don't want to be this way. I want to host the neighborhood cookouts and make lemon pound cakes to share and have all the kids playing in our yard. I want that, more than anything... I just don't know how to step outside my head and get there. I see it in Renn, which is by far one of the worst things I've ever experienced. Yes, I'm serious. It absolutely shatters my heart to see him experiencing the same feelings and thoughts that I have. I don't want that for him. Clint always tells me I need to help him through it because I know what it's like... but that's the hard part - I don't know how to "get through it"... or I wouldn't be here, where I am. I don't know how to help him, because I'm still stuck.
I feel so very "less than" these days. I have big thoughts, big aspirations and just want to be, in general, better than I am. At night I lay in bed and think of everything I should have done differently - how I could have been a better wife, a better mom, a better daughter, a better friend. I think about the mistakes I may have made throughout the day - was I too quick to anger, did I make enough time for everyone else, did I say too much during that conversation, did I reach out to my friend when I should have??? Does everyone do that? I don't know... probably not. In a way it's good I strive to be better, but in a lot of ways it's bad that I'm so down on myself when I fall short. I need to find balance. I need to learn to give myself some grace - but not enough grace that I create a new excuse.
I keep telling myself next week I'll eat better. Next week I'll put my meal plan in place. Next week I'll do a cleanse. Next week I'll get out and walk. Next week I'll stop with the soda. You know, another day... any other day BUT today. Everyone has great big plans for tomorrow. The truth of the matter - which we all already know is I'm making excuses. Every excuse in the book to be exact. It's annoying and I'm over myself... but for some reason I just can get over the hump and do anything about it. Helping others always seems to motivate me... and I know several people have asked about the Facebook page Through Thick and Thin... where I post meal preps, recipes and food videos. I'm going to MAKE myself start there and just chip away at my anxiety and nervousness over doing that again. I did enjoy it - it's just the getting back to it that's terrifying. I feel guilty when I let things go or I don't follow through. The funny thing is that I do that because of my anxiety but then my anxiety gets WORSE when I try to pick it back up. Ugh... around and 'round we go.
Alrighty... now that you've heard all my blah blah blah and whine whine whine... here's the thing. I'm GOING to change. I'm going to push myself. I'm going to work hard and put the effort in. I'm going to move this mountain. I sit here in my big, beautiful home surrounded by my supportive family with the ability to meal plan and I know there are zero excuses. Maybe I can't change the fact that my anxiety slows me down or self doubt makes me stop and take a deep breath or my old habits make it hard... but I can change the way I react to those things. I can find ways to encourage myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can take one day, one obstacle at a time. As cliche as it may sound... it doesn't matter how fast I go or how hard I go or how many times I fall... at the end of it all the only thing that matters is that I keep pushing forward. So I'll see you soon... I promise :).
